I guess I should apologize to everyone, because apparently I suck.
BitchPhD has posted her "radical-married- feminist-manifesto". It has stirred considerable debate. At last check there were over 200 comments. Wow. I think she's stirred the pot.
I adore BitchPhD. She makes me think, she makes me laugh. Both accomplishments I value greatly. I completely enjoy BitchPhD's blog and found myself nodding in agreement with her post on numerous points. I also read the article she's blogging about(it can be found here) and found myself doing the same. The article and Bitch's blog entry take on the issue of educated women opting out of the work force.
Here's my problem. I consider myself a feminist. I've come to the realization that there are probably alot of other feminists who would disagree and say that I am not. The article BitchPhD references kinda smacked me in the face with that fact. The stay-at-home-mom debate is apparently alive and well and I guess I'm on the wrong side of the argument. After reading the article, I felt extremely marginalized and diminished. Isn't that one of the things the women's' movement had hoped to end? Maybe since it's another women doing the marginalizing it's ok. (I'll stop being sarcastic now.)
I'm happy with my life. I'm essentially a stay-at-home-mom. I work as a contract nurse so I schedule work when I want to, otherwise I'm a SAHM.
I didn't end up a SAHM. I wasn't coerced into staying at home. I am not a SAHM under duress. I realize the financial ramifications of my being a SAHM (which is one of the points the article seems to focus on).
The thing is this...
I am tired of having to justify myself to other people. This decision was made by ME. I am NOT wasting my potential (as a family member attempts on a regular basis to convince me). I am not holding back the women's movement (as the article made me feel I was doing). And I am not sitting at home on my laurel's watching Oprah (as a women in Wal-Mart inferred yesterday).
I have done both full time work and been a SAHM. I worked full-time when Lullah was a baby and helped my husband finish college. I took a year off after he graduated because we knew it was a temporary placement and Lullah started a half day Kindergarten program at the same time. We were also living 3 1/2 hours away from anyone we knew. When we moved to a more permanent place, this time 7 hours away from our family, Lullah started a full day school program and I went back to work full time. Our lives stayed this way until her diabetes diagnosis. At that time, I became a SAHM to take care of her needs. It wasn't a difficult decision. I'm a nurse, Mike is an engineer. Who was better suited to take care of things?
We were able to move closer to our families eventually and at that time I once again went back to work full-time. A health crisis with Lullah precipitated another status change. My boss (a woman) told me "you have to decide which is more important, your job with us or Lullah." I decided. After the crisis abated, I was back to work full time until the last two-three years. My schedule and Lullah's has become much fuller and Mike is traveling more. And so I have worked part-time. Next year when she gets a drivers license, that will change. But for now, I can't work full-time and be the kind of mother, wife, daughter, friend and woman I want to be.
I am tired of other women beating me down because I'm a stay at home mom. Not just "feminists" either.
The woman in Wal-Mart (I had considered her a friend) said "it must be nice to not HAVE to work." Among other things. I didn't bother to point out that almost every stick of furniture in my house is second hand, my husband's truck is 7 years old, umm I was in the clothing department of Wal Mart (not Saks). We ain't exactly living a jet set lifestyle.
The family member (an aunt) probably 90% of the time pointedly asks "when are you starting back to school". The implication is that until I am, I'm wasting time and taking up space.
I'm tired of it y'all. Call me crazy but I thought the women's movement was about choice. Individual choice. Guess I was wrong.
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7 comments:
I consider myself a feminist and I don't believe any woman should ever have to apologize for her own choice of career vs. being a SAHM. Maybe others won't agree but I truly don't care.
AMEN SISTER!
I am a SAHM right now because my little ones need me. I'll probably go back to work again someday, but for now this is where I need to be.
As for the boss that told you to choose between work and Lullah...wtf did they think was gonna happen?!?! Kids first, every time!
barefoot-thanks for the backup!
mkb-the boss was a piece of work. Here's the kicker, she was a mom too. Gotta love that. It was absolutely one of the worst jobs I ever had.
I took a year off just before my second son was born. The worst part was my husband asking, "So what did YOU do all day?" As if it was nothing, taking a newborn and a 3-year-old to Aldi's to do the grocery shopping, where at that time you had to put all your groceries up on the counter, then back into the cart, then bag them yourself. He had to do it ONE time, ALONE, and he said, "I will never do THAT again. And you don't have to, either. At least he babysat HIS OWN KIDS while I did the shopping after that.
Every summer, he pulls the same shit, because I have summers off. He makes double my salary, but I have the masters' degree and he has no college credit. I hate people acting like my work is just a hobby. And people acting like SAHMs don't work.
When I complain, he tells me I am too set in my ways, that I was on my own too long before I married him. That's the opinion of the majority of people around here in this hick town. Like a woman is SUPPOSED to stay home, and is nobody unless she has a man to take care of her. I am sick of people acting like I should have stayed home with my kids instead of working. No matter what you do, someone else thinks it's their business, that you should do what they did.
I live in a very conservative area of the world. You'd think my decision to be SAHM would be great with everyone. WRONG. The women that can't are really pissy to me sometimes.
I have friends who teach that have the same problem with their husbands. One's husband complains about the housekeeper's salary during the summer months. Excuse me!
Luckily, when I have worked full time Mike is pretty helpful. I sometimes have to be specific about housework. (I leave notes for him and Lullah). And early in our marriage he learned that asking me what I "did all day" was NOT the thing to do. He found out, with a few expletives mixed in.(in his defense he was young).
Next year, when I plan on going back to work I plan on hiring someone to do the housework. It's just too much of a pain. I don't like to do it and Mike doesn't do it like I want it done. There will be some weirdness(not from Mike), because noone in his family has housekeepers. They think it's kind of weird. Whatever.
I've always been facinated by people who think women are defined by their husbands. They're kind of sad.
I've been a SAHM since I had my first child. I did a brief stint with substitute teaching, but it was very, very brief. I am just plain suited to staying at home and I love what I do. We have done without a lot over the years, we have relied on the free lunches at school, and we have sacrificed. But has it been worth it? Oh a thousand million katrillion times YES.
And my husband has been a huge supporter of me staying at home all these years. He has been just as frustrated as I've been at times, when we wanted to go on a trip or buy a new "toy", but still he's stuck with the decision to work for both of us.
I find myself now a WAHM and even though technically I'm still at home with my youngest child, I'm also helping to raise four other people's children as well. My flexibility is limited, I miss out on things at school like a working mother would and yeah, it's taking some getting used to on all our parts. But yet again, we feel like this is where I should be.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard "You were always so smart in high school...I hate to see it all go to waste." and "So are you ever going to get a degree?" Someday I'll have the balls to answer: "Yeah, I was smart in high school and you know what I'm smart now as well. Don't let the spit up stain on my shoulder fool you." and "Why? Are they going to quit giving them out next week?"
Yeesh people. Let me live my life.
Great post!! Made me think. Even though the spit up stain on my shoulder obviously sucks the intelligence from a person, according to some, lol.
Diva- Thanks for the compliment.
I get the "gee you were so smart in high school" bit too. I'm getting better at dealing with it, depending on who I'm talking to.:-)
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