Monday, August 07, 2006

I've been such a sack of poo when it comes to blogging. I've been working trying to get the bills paid and when I finally get home I just crash. What time I have, I spend with Mike and Lullah (and the cats.)

Things are ok with Mike and I. There are times it's still weird. Last week was particularly bad. We weren't able to pay as much on the bills as usual. I had taken off to go to camp with Lullah and hadn't been able to work. It'll be a long time before he completely forgives me and I just wish it would happen yesterday. Sigh.

The summer has sucked. Lullah and I usually lay around in the pool and watch movies. We didn't even open the pool. It needs a new liner and Mike said we couldn't afford it, so it's just kinda out there looking sad and green.

I had been on contract with the hospital. I worked 12 hour shifts Wednesday and Thursday one week, then 12 hour shifts Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday the next. With the drive time (an hour either way) it ends up being pretty exhausting. Thankfully, we have really seen a dip in the bill total. Maybe when we get it all paid, I'll come clean with y'all too.

I'm just embarrassed and mad at myself about the whole thing.

Lullah's 16th birthday was last week and I've been feeling so guilty that we couldn't do her party and presents like had envisioned since she was born. Car with a bow, huge cake, new dresses- not an MTV episode worthy party- but something pretty cool. Instead-no car, small cake, just family at the party.

To all of y'all who drop in, even though I've been slacking, thanks for checking in on me. I'm trying to get my life back in order. It's slow going, but at least it's going!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

One foot in the grave...

Mike's aunt died Friday. She was absolutely one the greatest women ever placed on this planet. If I am at any point in my life HALF the kind, gentle, wise, loving person that she was, then I will have accomplished more than I was capable of.

However...this post isn't about Aunt Barbara. It's about Lullah. And her innate inability to walk and chew gum at the same time. And her uncanny luck.

Back story... Lullah broke her leg TWICE her fourth grade year. The first time a spiral fracture of her tibia. Thankfully WITNESSED by multiple people and we were NOWHERE on the scene otherwise the child protection folks would have been on us within minutes of our hitting the ER doors. The second a small fracture on the lower end of the bone she sustained after she fell down...while walking. She's a bit clumsy, in case you were wondering. A wonderful dancer, but walking...well.

Y'all she fell into an open grave Sunday afternoon. Feet first. It was raining and suddenly her umbrella went South. How much therapy are we going to have to cover now?

There was another funeral after Aunt Barbara's and the funeral home had dug both graves and put a piece of plywood over the second grave to keep the rainwater out. Lullah and her cousin started to walk across it to get to Aunt Barbara's gravesite. Zach made it across. Lullah-swish.
She managed to catch herself so she didn't hit bottom. If she had she would surely have been injured. Thankfully, she's just bruised and a little scratched up. (her ego and her feet and legs)

She's had a great sense of humor about it. Thank goodness.

Oh, and y'all sister girl never lost her heels.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I had a revelation...

I absolutely hate my frigging yard.

It really wasn't a revelation, I've been aware of this fact since we bought the damn house six years ago. The first summer I trimmed hedges was my first clue that a professional landscaper was NOT involved in the planning. We hauled off 6 truckloads of limbs.

And that was only the back row of hedges.

If let go, my back yard turns into a jungle. Well, we sorta let it go last summer. I spent all day trimming hedges. I freaking hate hedges. I'm seriously thinking that concrete would be realllllly pretty.

On a happy note...

We restrung my clothes line yesterday. I have line dried sheets tonight. YES!

Friday, May 12, 2006


I cried at work today.

My patient had dressing changes ordered every 4 hours. For me-10am, 2pm and 6 pm.

I had done this patient's dressing change for the third time in as many hours. As I was putting on the last piece of tape, the surgeon came in and said "oh good, I need to look at that". So, we took it off.

From 10 am until 6 pm I change said dressing 5 times. The last four times from 2:00 pm until 6:00pm. Let me add that it hurt the patient like hell every time I had to do it. AND she never bitched about it once. We've been doing dressing changes on her for 18 days and she never bitches about it EVER.

I cried at work today. Like a big ole tit.

In the midst of my afternoon around 5ish, Lullah called completely pissed off. She made Mastery instead of Advanced on the first part of the graduate exit exam. Honors day was Tuesday and for the first time ever, she didn't get a trophy for all A's. She got the A-B certificate. And she's still upset about her ACT scores from April, so I think this just put the candles on her cake. She is entirely too worried about her test scores. She's a sophomore for pete's sake.

Any advise to help prevent ulcers, hers AND mine, will be greatly appreciated.

*btw-in my opinion, she did very well on the ACT (especially for a sophomore).

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning...

I heard that song on XM this morning in the car.

It's 11:50 pm right now.

My alarm is set for 4:30am. I have to work tomorrow 7a-7p and I'm WIDE awake.

Do you know how much tomorrow is going to blow?

As Irving put it...

Oh how I hate to get up in the morning.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Home again, home again...

the gates of hell stayed closed today apparently. Today did suck, but not as much as I was afraid it would. I got home about 20 minutes ago. I left the hospital at 8:15, later than I'd like, but not too horrible. I go back for more tomorrow. Yippee.

I got yelled at by a patient for not letting her leave the floor to go to the gift shop and "look around".

FYI Mrs. ______ ...the staff isn't supposed to let you leave the floor without a doctors written order. It ain't my fault. It's hospital policy. I'm not just being a bitch. Oh, and you're REALLY not supposed to leave the floor if you're on BLOOD THINNERS!!!! aaaargh.

And after you've yelled at me, crying like you're a five year old isn't going to change my mind.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Just an egg...

Mike's grandmother that passed away last Saturday was 98. She'd have been 99 in December. She outlived two husbands and two of her six children. She'd lived home alone until two years ago.

Picture a grandmother. What a stereotypical grandmother looks like. Cotton housedress, wire rimmed glasses, grey bun, a jar of peppermint sticks on top of the refrigerator (the yummy soft kind). Now you know what Mawmaw looked like.

The last summer she was still living home, Mike's parents went out of town. It somehow got left to us to go gather the eggs from her henhouse and close the coop door at night. I told her I thought it was sad to take the only thing the poor hen owned.

"It's just an egg," she said, "and really that's all any of us have. Just an egg."

Not quite sure what the wisdom was, but there ya go.

Just an egg, grasshopper.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Life 7a-7p...

I am off until Monday! Hip hip hooray!

I had two, count them TWO days in a row that DIDN'T suck! It makes me very nervous for Monday. God help me if next week is anything like last week.

Last week I was: puked on, called a cocksucker, a lazy bitch, a useless sack of shit (these are the nicer things I was called), bled on and peed on and had a patient die. All before 8 am, last Monday. I didn't leave the hospital until after 9pm. Tuesday, Friday and Saturday-not much better. Yeah, I was seriously considering a change in career. Last week sucked in ways I had never before considered work sucking.

And Mike's grandmother died early Saturday morning and her funeral was Sunday. I was reaaaaallly glad last week finally ended.

Yesterday was a little hectic. I didn't leave the hospital until 8pm. Today, I actually left at 7:14pm. The gates of hell must be scheduled to open at 6:44am next Monday. That's the only explanation I can think of.

Monday, May 01, 2006

The aftermath...

How do you regain someone's trust?

I had justified my lies by telling myself that Mike would leave if he knew the truth. The lie almost caused my marriage to crumble. I created the very thing that I was terrified would happen. I'm ashamed that I had so little faith in Mike.

He seriously considered divorcing me. The first weeks after the truth about the bills were horrible. But things have gotten better.

I have went back to work full time. Fate stepped in and the agency that I work for offered me a 13 week contract that guaranteed a minimum of 36 hours per week. I took it. We actually got money BACK this year from the IRS. For now, I bring home every receipt and we go over it. The first few weeks, Mike went on every shopping trip with me. Superfluous purchases are a thing of the past for now.

We sit and pay the bills together twice a month. Paying the bills was an act of torture for me before. I would have anxiety attacks after I finished. I felt like it was black and white proof that I was a terrible person.

Things are better. The debt is slowly disappearing. I actually feel semi-ok about myself again.

I don't know what the next few months will hold, but I do know that I am finally NOT a big fat liar anymore.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I'm a liar...

and now Mike knows it.

I came clean about the credit cards. He's so mad at me right now that he can't even look me in the eye. It's horrible.

He says he isn't sure he can stay married to me.

My world has fallen apart. And it's my fault.

I don't even have the words to express how I'm feeling right now. I flip flop between complete despair and overwhelming anxiety.

I want to just run away. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to be a liar. And yet, here I sit. In my lies.

I hate myself so much right now, I can't stand me. How can I expect him to ever forgive me? I'm not sure he ever will.

I pray, almost constantly, that somehow he will be able to.

Please pray for us too.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


To channel Holly GoLightly-I have got a case of the reds.

Blue doesn't cover it. I am morose and anti-social. I am terrifically unpleasant feeling lately.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm aggravated. I'm just in an all around shitty mood.

And I don't see the clouds lifting in the very near future.


Sunday, February 26, 2006

Oh the drama...

I'm at a loss. I was prepared for raising a teenager to include varying degrees of sarcasm, rebellion, barfing in the tomato bushes and just generally being treated like an idiot savant. I wasn't prepared for the real heartbreak.

Lullah's best friend is one of the funniest kids I know. She can inevitably make you laugh. I should add, a talent held in very high regard in our household. She can also be one of the meanest kids you'd ever want to be around. Almost to a sociopathic level. When they were little she would do things just to be mean. She once hid one shoe of every pair of Barbie shoes that Lullah had, in her borderline OCD manner, lined neatly in her Barbie supplies. When I confronted her she said she did it because she " felt like it and I knew she'd freak out". This is also the friend that this summer slept with Lullah's ex-boyfriend(she was 14 at the time) and then while we were on vacation stole Lullah's boyfriend. Try explaining to an overwraught teenager that she will eventually be ok. (not an easy task) They didn't speak for almost 4 months except when absolutely necessary. Lullah was miserable. She cried herself to sleep 3-4 nights a week during this period. The girl finally came to her and made a heartfelt apology. The sun shone, the wind blew, the angels sang and Lullah's world righted.

Some background on the friend. Her family life is a little skewed. There have been a number of major health issues with her parents in the 6 years. Her mom was in a coma, her dad was diagnosed with a major degenerative disease. I suspect there are financial issues as well. Prior to their fight this summer we had to go get the friend because her older sister was threatening suicide (apparently not the first time). I also suspect that the girl has an eating disorder, bullimia, I think. A few weeks ago, the friend called our house hysterical. Her mother and sister had gotten into an argument and the mom told them she was going to kill herself and promptly left the house. She was gone almost half a day, until the sheriff's office finally contacted her and threatened to hospitalize her if she didn't go home. She has also since then told the dad that she will eventually leave and they won't be able to find her. My point is, this girl's life is a mess. Her behavior is not completely a suprise. Our house has been a haven for her. She spent more time here than at home until very recently. We're the stable part of her life.

Today the friend called Lullah and told her that she'd had sex with her new boyfriend and then later that night one of their other friend's boyfriend had tried to "get" with her, but she'd rebuffed him. Turns out that was a half truth. She didn't actually rebuff the second boy. Lullah is pretty upset. Her exact words were "I can't be her friend, she's a slut and a liar".

The mom in my head screamed "yeeeees". The freaked out depressed suicidal teenager in my head said "that poor girl is crazy just like you were".

I don't want Lullah around this girl, period. She has broken my child's heart and trust. I've had to hold Lullah too many nights while she sobbed over a lost friendship because of this girl. I don't like her anymore. I don't want her in my house. I don't want her in my car. I don't want her in my yard. I don't want her in my daughter's life.

But, my heart breaks for the girl at the same time. She is spinning out of control and her family is standing by and letting it happen. I remember the spin. I understand why she's going so nutso.

I feel like I may be being heartless, but I've made the decision that we've done what we can for this poor girl. I have to make sure that Lullah is ok. And she is not ok right now. I can't tell Lullah that she can't hang out with this girl. That's a recipe for disaster. But, I can make sure that I will be too busy to carpool the other girl around town. I can also make sure that Lullah has alternate plans that don't include the other girl.

Am I a horrible human being? Am I as evil as I feel?

I just want her out our lives. I want the toxicity gone. I want Lullah to have friends that support her, that are honest and have some scruples. I didn't realize that was going to be a tall order to fill.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

A Diva Mom's reminder...

Redneck Diva's mom sent her a letter I thought I'd share with y'all. Her post prior to the letter will explain if you're confused.

If more of us remembered our worth, our Mom's wouldn't have to remind us. Thank goodness for Diva moms that do the reminding anyway!

I hope Rich Optometrist doesn’t read “blogs”. If he does I will have to start going to Lens Crafters. (ha)
I know just how you feel. It never fails that when you feel you look your worst, your run into people who “appear” to look their best. Most likely this morning neither person could even tell you what you had on last night.
You may wear New Balance shoes (do those come from Wal-Mart? My kids will NEVER wear that brand) (again ha) and not have on make-up, but YOU WERE THERE…………..that is what counts. Do you think Sam cares if you have on make-up? NO, because you are beautiful to him anywhere and at anytime because you are his mother and he loves you unconditionally.
Chances are even if you had been dressed to the hilt and had on your tiara, you would have probably still felt inferior. You know why? Because you allow people to make you feel that way. We are all equal in God’s eyes and are all basically the same inside. It is just that we all have different “shells” on the outside. My shell now comes with gray/white hair, but the old gal is still 18 on the inside. She may not be dressed for the prom today, but she still likes to dance.
Daughter of mine, never, I repeat, NEVER let other people make you feel inferior. You are a wonderful person and an absolutely terrific Mom and I know for a fact that Abby, Sam and Kady would not trade you for any beauty queen in this universe.
Because after all, you know how to make Goop out of cornstarch.
I love you.
Told y'all she rocked.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Alas, I am here...

Well, I'm quite sure you were all incredibly jealous of my romantic Valentine's dinner. Popsicle and I had a lovely time. Poor Mike had made an overnight trip to Dallas, so cheesy poofs with the cat it was.

I actually had dinner with Mike's parents and his grandmother. Glenn Dale fried catfish (yumminess) and I couldn't turn it down. My mom and I had been painting the bathroom, so I was NOT interested in cooking. Glenn Dale's catfish are always wonderful. Plus Mama Frenchie and her two best gal pals were going to be there and they are always a hoot to hang out with. Lord, if they ever start telling tales on one another! They did tell us some dirty jokes.

After 6 years the bathroom and bedroom are DONE! I feel like an enormous burden has been lifted. I cannot put into words how much I loathed that damn wallpaper. I love hanging out in my room now. It's like a cocoon. We still have some tweeking to do. A new towel rack and TP holder for the bath and a new light fixture for the bedroom and a slipcover for the blue beast. I hate the way recliners look, but I love the way the feel. Comfort wins.

I am now the proud owner of an extremely snotty nose. I have managed to fend off a cold the last week or so. Until last night. Around 11pm I started sneezing and I haven't stopped. I tried to play it off to sinuses and allergies. I don't think I can kid myself anymore. I feel like I ran into a wall. But, I made a trip to Wal-Mart after po-ke-no tonight and picked up 2 boxes of Puff's Plus Lotion so maybe my nose will survive. And some Nyquil liquicaps are in my very near future. Ah, blissful medicated sleep.

I washed clothes today and I will fold tomorrow. Not much of a to do list, but I bet I can get it done. I will probably have to vacuum too, Buttercup is shedding like crazy! The carpet flick isn't keeping up. I'll go broke buying replacement pads. Aside from the laundry and possible vacuuming, I plan on slugging it up tomorrow.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Bonding with my cat...

Me and popsicle are enjoying some Sam's Choice Cheese Puffs. I have to say, they are super yummy.

Just thought I'd share.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

My Damned Seven...

NorthEndNique tagged me.

The rules are that you must list the seven songs you are most into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they aren't any good, but they must be songs you are really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they are listening to.

I'm not going to tag anyone, because as I've stated before...I suck. And, there are too many of y'all that I'd like to know y'alls answers to this particular meme. So, if ya ain't too busy let me know what y'all are jamming to.

Here goes:

1) September-(Earth, Wind and Fire) This has been a pretty constant song for quite awhile. It's Lullah and my special song. We dance around like complete idiots to it at least once a week. Usually more.

2)Looking at the World From the Bottom of a Well-(Mike Doughty)- first, it's a kickass song. Second, he's my cousin. Third, somedays I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.

3)California Love-(Tupac)- I just love this song. Period. Always have, always will.

4)Bullet with Butterfly Wings-(Smashing Pumpkins)-lately I've been a little down. This definitelyely a pissed-off-at-the-world-because-it-sucks-song

5)Bitchin Camero-(The Dead Milkmen)-this is a favorite from waaaay back. I heard it on XM the other day for the first time in forever and now I can't get it out of my head.

6)Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend-(Marilyn Monroe)-Lullah is doing a solo for recital to it and we've been listening to it

7)Boondocks-(Little Big Town)-I don't want to admit it, but I like it. Lullah watches CMT in the morning and the video is cute too.

I told y'all I had ADD. That's a crazy mix of genres. I've also been listening to the Biggie Smalls CD "Life After Death" a lot lately.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Before and after...

In case y'all thought I was kidding when I said I had butt ugly wallpaper in my bedroom I thought I'd share some before pictures with you. I have had this monstrosity since we bought our house 6 years ago. And my entire bathroom is covered in this mess as well. Except it has the ever so lovely paisley border all the way around the room. Yay.

I managed to strip the paper off and repaint last week. Hooray!

Tada the results are...

Lullah informed me that the paint was the color of poop. I told her it was a warm color.

She tactfully stated, "Yeah, well, poop is warm."

You probably noticed the odd shine. I accidentally got semi-gloss instead of satin finish. A friend was in the paint store with her baby and we were visiting. I have ADD, and ordered the wrong thing. I was about half way through the second wall and was wondering why the paint was taking so long to dry. It kept staying shiny. Duh. I'm going to live with it for awhile and see if I hate it. At any rate, it's WAAAAAY better than the paper. I'm getting a slip cover for the baby blue recliner.

If any of y'all have that paper and love it, I apologize. But I was concerned that it was so busy I would eventually start having seizures.

Next week, Mom and I are tackling the bathroom. Poop green. Might as well go with a theme.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I ain't dead...

well, yet anyway. I've been painting and (blech) working! However, I have missed posting. So here's a quick one.

MamaKBear tagged me! Here goes.

1. Four jobs I've had:
Sonic Car Hop
Sales Clerk in the linen department
2. Four movies I can watch over and over:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
To Kill a Mockingbird
Some Like it Hot
3. Four favorite books:
To Kill a Mockingbird (I wanted to be Atticus' kid SOOOOO bad)
Bridge to Teribithia (the first book that really impacted my life)
Olivia (made me blow soda out my nose)
Slaughter House Five (because, honestly, there were parts that
TOTALLY confused me)
4. Four places I've lived:
Colorado (I was 6 months old)
5. Four TV Shows I love:
Gilmore Girls
Grey's Anatomy
6. Four Places I've Vacationed:
New York City (my favorite)
Disney World (2nd favorite)
Disney Land (last family vacation before my parents split)
San Antonio TX(I was maybe 7 and I STILL remember the Alamo
7. Four of My Favorite Foods:
Fried Pork Chops
Mike's Mom's french fries
My Mom's pecan pie
Mike's hamburgers
(I jokingly say that if Mike and I ever divorce, part of the settlement will include his hamburgers and his Mom's fries)
8. Four Sites I Visit Daily: Like I just go to four! (and like the Miss America pagent-in no particular order)
Mike Doughty
Hillbilly Mansion
Angry Black Bitch
9. Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:
Riding a rollercoaster with Lullah and Mike
At a spa
10. Four People I'm Tagging:
Noone this time. Y'all are safe. For now!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

You are what you eat...

and I am a PIG! We had the pig roast at Mike's sister's yesterday. I blew my diet, but oh my did I have a good time doing it.

Appetizers included: Cream cheese with raspberry-chipotle sauce, ginger snaps with strawberry cream cheese.

The main event: Much pork was consumed. My brother in law makes excellent baked beans, we had a ton of potato salad. Hershey Kiss pie, coconut pie, cake. And bread.

I am foundered.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

It's Saturday, so why am I up so early...

I have been up since 7 am. What. The. Hell? I have already cooked breakfast (bacon,eggs and toast thank you very much), washed one load of clothes, vacuumed and made a Hershey Kiss pie for petes sakes! God I hope this doesn't become a trend.

I've been a little out of sorts this week. Mike went to Dallas Monday and didn't get home until Wednesday. I don't sleep worth a damn when he's gone. Part of the problem could be the 5' 5" 15 year old that sleeps with me when he's gone.

However, I have to give myself a pat on the back. I cleaned out my bedroom and closet while he was gone. I am embarrassed to admit that I took 6 bags of clothes and a box of shoes to a local clothes closet. And I still have a closet full of clothes. It's ridiculous. My resolution is no new clothes for quite awhile. Or shoes. I had shoes I haven't even worn yet!

My mom got me a new comforter for Christmas and I plan on painting next week. Fingers crossed. We've been in our house for over 6 years and I still have the ugliest wallpaper in my bedroom and bathroom. It's a weird paisley and striped affair. In lovely hues of black, white, mauve (yes, MAUVE) and that 80's blue color. I think it was called smoke blue. It's pretty bad.
I truly hope by this time next week it's GONE!

I have a day of super yumminess planned. We're going to Mike's sister's house for a pig roast this afternoon.(the reason for the pie making) Yep, I knew there was a reason I liked living in the sticks. I will probably be stuffed by 8:30 tonight. At least that's the goal.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Blogging for Choice...

Roe V. Wade is 33 today.

I am 35. I have never known a time when I didn't have the right to choose what happens to my body. It's a reality that I never thought about. It never occurred to me as a teenager that I would ever NOT have that choice.

I was 18 and a freshman in college when I found out I was pregnant. I sat on the bed in my dorm room trying to rub the pink off the end of my EPT stick.

I had never wanted children. I had never wanted to get married. I was reasonably sure I would be horrible at both of them. So I sat and tried to remove the hot pink proof that I had screwed up. My life, Mike's life, my parents' life, Mike's parents' life and some nameless faceless baby's life.

I called Mike and told him the news and called my family doctor and made an appointment the next day to verify the results. I told the receptionist that I thought I had a urinary tract infection.

The next afternoon I sat in the exam room and cried with Dr. Mauterer who has known me since I was a baby. I went home to tell my mom and step-dad. Mike was on his way home at the same time to tell his parents. There has never been a time in my life that I was more ashamed. I had let everyone down, including myself, and I knew it.

Mike's grew up in a family that went to church twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday and when the opportunity arose they went in between. They are southern Baptists.

Mike and I were the subject of a tremendous amount of gossip. Both of our families are well thought of in their communities and the grape vine was on fire. Mike was a "good" boy. The whispers were difficult at times. When you walk into a room and conversation stops it's not a great feeling.

The whisperers are the very people who will stand on a soapbox and proclaim that they are Pro-life. These are the people who would snicker at me in the grocery store. The people who made comments intended to wound to my mother and mother-in-law in saccharine voices.

I was fortunate to have a family that loved and supported me throughout my pregnancy. Mike's family showed us the same love and support. We were very lucky. We had a great support system to fall back on. Not every women is that fortunate.

I know the fear that an unplanned pregnancy creates. I know what it feels like to know that you have forever altered the course of your life and your family's. I know what it feels like to lie in bed and cry because you are suffocated by the events in your life. I don't know what it's like to feel that and not know that I can change it. I don't know what it's like to be powerless in that situation thanks to Roe v. Wade.

I did not have an abortion. I had Lullah. A choice I have honestly questioned. Did I do the right thing? Should I have given her up for adoption? Should I have had her at all? I have so many failures on my Mommy report card. But the truth is this. I would die for her. I cannot imagine my life without her. I cannot fathom a world without her in it. So I think I did the right thing. My life is different than I planned, but I'm very happy in it.

I made the choice to continue my pregnancy and keep her. Against some people's advice. There was my ob-gyn who wanted me to give her up for adoption. My friends who said I would be ruining my life. The voice in my head that said I would be a wretched parent. But I made that choice. There was no one but me who had any right to make it. I am still terrified by the decision I made. I am sometimes still sure that I have screwed up everyone's life. That burden is mine. Just like the burden of pregnancy was mine and mine alone.

I'm now the mother of a teenage daughter. Should the time come and she face an unplanned pregnancy I pray that she doesn't face a world without options. I pray that she never knows the terror of having no control over her own health care. I'm not so sure about the certainty of that anymore.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Well, I thought it was today...

I left today headed to the yearly gyno appointment. An hour away. I was going in to eat lunch before the appointment and called home and checked the voice mail. I had 1 new message.

This is Robin, from Dr. Gyno's office calling to remind Kim that we have her scheduled for a 1:30 appointment Monday.

IT'S MONDAY!!!!!! AAAAAAGH! I drove an hour to go to an appointment I don't even want to keep that isn't for 3 days. One day shot to hell.

On the upside, I bought my camera. (my first digital, I'm driving Mike and Lullah nuts).

Take the damn thing already...

I got a digital camera today with my birthday money and was playing with it.
This is Cookie, our only female cat.
She was a pretty much over the picture taking by this point.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Mike's brother went to a lawyer yesterday and began the process for getting a divorce. They will file and serve my sister-in-law the papers Friday. It's so sad to think of a marriage ending. Even more so when it's someone you love. They have a Covenant Marriage so it will be year before the divorce is final.

My heart just breaks for her. I don't think she's going to take this very well at all. At the same time, Mike's brother has been so mistreated, for so long that I'm almost relieved for him. She has been abusive (mostly verbally) the entire time they've been married. It had escalated in the last year or so. He'd been begging her to go to counseling with him for almost a year and she refused. One of the saddest parts is she's extremely insecure and she pushed him into the very thing she was afraid of.

It's just sad all around.


will I ever actually get enough sleep? It's 1:30 am, I've been up since 6am. I'm not sleepy! I'm tired, but there is no way I could actually go to sleep. Do you know how much that sucks? If anyone has suggestions I am open for anything. HELP!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Where are you Christmas?

In boxes in my dining room. That's where. But, I'm looking on the bright side. At least it's in boxes. After all the stuff that happened this weekend with Mike's brother, I haven't had time to put everything in the attic. But the goal is to have it all up and away by the weekend.

On the lighter side of life. After a disheartening weekend, we got a major laugh. Lullah and her boyfriend got stuck coming home Sunday. They were turning around on a road(gravel) and the BF's truck couldn't get traction to finish the turn. She had to call Mike to come and pull them out. She was mortified. We have, of course, been making parking references and teasing her mercilessly. The BF was embarrassed too. The best part, was my Mom and step-Dad were on their way over for supper. So they knew about it too. We're a heartless bunch. I figure we'll get at least 2-3 months of teasing out of this.

I had planned on trying to get in 2 work shifts this week, but it ain't looking promising. Dance tomorrow night (an hour away). Thursday, orthodontist appointment since Lullah's bottom retainer has detached and is flopping around in her mouth. Friday, Lullah dances at the ballgame. Saturday, girl scout cookie training and my cousin's baby shower. Sunday, fall out in the floor. I don't know how people that work full time do it all. I am amazed and humbled. Truly.

Mike and I are jet setters in case y'all didn't realize it. We've planned our lives around TV viewing this week. Yesterday, today and tomorrow PBS is airing "Country Boys". It's a documentary about two teenage boys in rural Kentucky. David Sutherland is the director. He's also the director of the HBO documentary "The Farmer's Wife" which we loved. Mike's going to tape the final episode for me since I won't be home. "Country Boys" has been heartbreaking and inspiring and sad and just really good. It definitely makes me see the blessings my life has been filled with.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Heaven and hell...

Last week when my dad called to see if I'd go to his friends funeral with him we had an interesting conversation.

Dad: IF there is a heaven, I'm sure I'm going.
Me: Really?
Dad: yeah, because I've never hurt anyone. Ever.
Me: silence
Dad: In my whole life I've never hurt anyone.
Me: Really?
Dad: Except maybe your mom, during the divorce. But that ended up for the best.
Me:uh huh
Dad: I've actually helped a lot of people and done a lot of good.
Me: well, I don't think you get into heaven by doing good deeds.
Dad: well if that's not the way, then I don't know how.

I have always known that my father is narcissistic. He once told me that "all this mess about needing a savior is a load of crap. And besides, I've never sinned". Mike laughingly suggested to me that perhaps Dad had never heard of the ten commandments.

He honestly believes that he has never hurt anyone. He was so earnest when he told me that mess. I sometimes wonder if he isn't a little sociopathic.

He and my mother divorced when I was around 9 after mom refused to stay married and for him to have a mistress. I realize that some couples are able to have open relationships. My mom isn't one of those folks. He emotionally abused her for years and the affair was the final straw. I have never wanted my parents to be back together. They were toxic on a good day.

His version of events is much different. My mother was jealous and shrewish. She wasn't as smart as he was and so they are incompatible. She drove him to the affair.

I have rarely doubted that my dad loves me. I have often doubted that I was important to him. Missed recitals, missed ballgames, missed visitations, missed school programs. The list is boring.

When I was 15 and attempted suicide, I overheard my mom on the phone telling him that he had to come to the hospital. My mom had to make him come to see me.

When I was 19, I called to tell him that I was pregnant. His only question was "when are you getting married".

When I was 7 he beat me with a belt for not getting him a fresh beer and telling him I thought he was drunk. I had buckle marks on the back of my legs for over a week.

I'm really glad he's never hurt anyone.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

A week I'm glad is over...

This week has not been one I'd care to repeat.

For one, Lullah went back to school which always sucks. I've attended two funerals. I went back to work last night (blech). And while I was at work, I called home and my brother-in-law left his wife. I'm not going to share the details of that. I'm just hoping they work things out.

I guess I'll talk about the funerals.

The first was on Wednesday for a man I didn't even know. My father and he were pool shooting and beer drinking buddies of the highest order. Dad was pretty upset by the man's sudden death so he asked me to attend the funeral with him. The deceased was a member of the local Indian tribe. He was a single man with no children, but had numerous nieces that had taken care of him through the years. They served as pall bearers. Dad said that the man had always said a "woman brought me into the world, women can take me out of it". So they did. It was actually touching to see. Parts of the funeral were in his tribe's language. It was beautiful to hear. As one of the songs played was ending, a giant hawk screeched and came gliding from over the treetops. It banked over the pavilion and flew away.

The second funeral was Thursday. Johnny was 41. We'd known each other since I was in 5th grade and we moved into his town. He was a little older than me, but our Mom's are good friends and we knew each other through them. His wife also taught at Lullah's school and was friends with some people I'd went to high school with.

Johnny's first kidney transplant was at age 16. He'd done well with it until about 2 years ago and had to start dialysis at that time. About a year ago he had another transplant and had been doing very well.

He was the kind of person who was always happy. He never complained. He spent 3 days a week hooked up to a dialysis machine, had been through multiple surgeries and yet when you'd ask him how he was doing his answer was always the same. "Pretty good, can't complain."

At the end of October, he and his wife took their son to a petting zoo for a day out. While there, Johnny was infected with a bacteria that eventually became a systemic infection. He became septic and spent weeks in ICU until he died on the 2nd.

The funeral was standing room only. When the pall bearers carried him out of the sanctuary to the cemetery, his son held the front handle and helped. He had asked him mom if he could "help the men to take his Daddy outside".

Johnny's wife is 32. She's a widow with a 6 year old. His parents have lost their youngest son. His son has lost a father that he will probably not remember.

I feel like I've been to entirely too many funerals lately. Is this what becoming an adult is going to be? Attending funerals or wakes? I've started to recognize cemetery names and know people buried in them.

I left work feeling like I didn't do everything I wanted to do for my patients. There is never enough time. There are too many patients and not enough of me.

My sister-in-law just left about an hour ago. I had no sage words of wisdom for her. Her pain is palpable. There's nothing I can do to assuage it.

I just feel like this week has been about nothing but loss and feeling helpless.

Fear Friday

My fear this week is that I'll screw up at work and accidentally kill someone.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Christmas pictures...

I know Christmas has come and gone, but I thought I'd share my Christmas trees with y'all since I finally got my Christmas pictures developed. I'm a procrastinator.

My camera died at Mom's or I'd have a picture of hers too. We used Lullah's disposable one and it's not done yet.

This is the living room tree.
This is Lullah's Barbie tree. She decorates is herself with Barbie stuff.
Santa started bringing her a Barbie ornament for Christmas when she was about 3. We're going to have to upgrade to a bigger tree soon.

These are the three pencil trees that I put special ornaments on. They are my favorite.

And this is Mike and popsicle helping decorate.

Monday, January 02, 2006

A friend sent these pics to me...

it's an albino deer from Florida. The couple that found him orphaned turned him in to the Wildlife and Fisheries folks. But I thought he(she?) was mighty cute.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I wonder why...

I can't shake this blech feeling. Maybe it's post holiday stress. I spent way too much money (that I didn't have to spend), I ate way too many calories (that I didn't need to consume), I'm irritated that school starts back in the morning. I'm just blech.

We actually had a very good holiday. Even Christmas with my Dad was ok. I'm usually a mess when I have to spend extended amounts of time with him, but suprisingly we had a great holiday visit. My uncle (by marriage) was extremely drunk and inappropriate at times, but even that didn't spoil the evening. I'm always nervous at my Dad's. You never know how the evening is going to turn out.

Mike's cousin and her three boys left this evening heading back to Texas. They are 16, 12 and 6. The 16 year old stayed with us Friday and Saturday night. He and Lullah treat one another more like siblings than cousins. They enjoyed getting to hang out. Oh, and Lullah has a new boyfriend (as of Saturday). We actually like him, he's not bad (for a 15 year old boy).

I plan to start dieting tomorrow. I have to shed a few pounds. I am starting to feel icky. And I wonder if the extra weight isn't part of the blech. About 90% of the time I'm pretty ok with how I look, but that other 10% is a bitch. Those are the days that I wish the damn mirrors would explode. I hate those days.

Here's to Slimfast and Curves y'all.