Blogging for Choice...

Roe V. Wade is 33 today.

I am 35. I have never known a time when I didn't have the right to choose what happens to my body. It's a reality that I never thought about. It never occurred to me as a teenager that I would ever NOT have that choice.

I was 18 and a freshman in college when I found out I was pregnant. I sat on the bed in my dorm room trying to rub the pink off the end of my EPT stick.

I had never wanted children. I had never wanted to get married. I was reasonably sure I would be horrible at both of them. So I sat and tried to remove the hot pink proof that I had screwed up. My life, Mike's life, my parents' life, Mike's parents' life and some nameless faceless baby's life.

I called Mike and told him the news and called my family doctor and made an appointment the next day to verify the results. I told the receptionist that I thought I had a urinary tract infection.

The next afternoon I sat in the exam room and cried with Dr. Mauterer who has known me since I was a baby. I went home to tell my mom and step-dad. Mike was on his way home at the same time to tell his parents. There has never been a time in my life that I was more ashamed. I had let everyone down, including myself, and I knew it.

Mike's grew up in a family that went to church twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday and when the opportunity arose they went in between. They are southern Baptists.

Mike and I were the subject of a tremendous amount of gossip. Both of our families are well thought of in their communities and the grape vine was on fire. Mike was a "good" boy. The whispers were difficult at times. When you walk into a room and conversation stops it's not a great feeling.

The whisperers are the very people who will stand on a soapbox and proclaim that they are Pro-life. These are the people who would snicker at me in the grocery store. The people who made comments intended to wound to my mother and mother-in-law in saccharine voices.

I was fortunate to have a family that loved and supported me throughout my pregnancy. Mike's family showed us the same love and support. We were very lucky. We had a great support system to fall back on. Not every women is that fortunate.

I know the fear that an unplanned pregnancy creates. I know what it feels like to know that you have forever altered the course of your life and your family's. I know what it feels like to lie in bed and cry because you are suffocated by the events in your life. I don't know what it's like to feel that and not know that I can change it. I don't know what it's like to be powerless in that situation thanks to Roe v. Wade.

I did not have an abortion. I had Lullah. A choice I have honestly questioned. Did I do the right thing? Should I have given her up for adoption? Should I have had her at all? I have so many failures on my Mommy report card. But the truth is this. I would die for her. I cannot imagine my life without her. I cannot fathom a world without her in it. So I think I did the right thing. My life is different than I planned, but I'm very happy in it.

I made the choice to continue my pregnancy and keep her. Against some people's advice. There was my ob-gyn who wanted me to give her up for adoption. My friends who said I would be ruining my life. The voice in my head that said I would be a wretched parent. But I made that choice. There was no one but me who had any right to make it. I am still terrified by the decision I made. I am sometimes still sure that I have screwed up everyone's life. That burden is mine. Just like the burden of pregnancy was mine and mine alone.

I'm now the mother of a teenage daughter. Should the time come and she face an unplanned pregnancy I pray that she doesn't face a world without options. I pray that she never knows the terror of having no control over her own health care. I'm not so sure about the certainty of that anymore.