A week I'm glad is over...

This week has not been one I'd care to repeat.

For one, Lullah went back to school which always sucks. I've attended two funerals. I went back to work last night (blech). And while I was at work, I called home and my brother-in-law left his wife. I'm not going to share the details of that. I'm just hoping they work things out.

I guess I'll talk about the funerals.

The first was on Wednesday for a man I didn't even know. My father and he were pool shooting and beer drinking buddies of the highest order. Dad was pretty upset by the man's sudden death so he asked me to attend the funeral with him. The deceased was a member of the local Indian tribe. He was a single man with no children, but had numerous nieces that had taken care of him through the years. They served as pall bearers. Dad said that the man had always said a "woman brought me into the world, women can take me out of it". So they did. It was actually touching to see. Parts of the funeral were in his tribe's language. It was beautiful to hear. As one of the songs played was ending, a giant hawk screeched and came gliding from over the treetops. It banked over the pavilion and flew away.

The second funeral was Thursday. Johnny was 41. We'd known each other since I was in 5th grade and we moved into his town. He was a little older than me, but our Mom's are good friends and we knew each other through them. His wife also taught at Lullah's school and was friends with some people I'd went to high school with.

Johnny's first kidney transplant was at age 16. He'd done well with it until about 2 years ago and had to start dialysis at that time. About a year ago he had another transplant and had been doing very well.

He was the kind of person who was always happy. He never complained. He spent 3 days a week hooked up to a dialysis machine, had been through multiple surgeries and yet when you'd ask him how he was doing his answer was always the same. "Pretty good, can't complain."

At the end of October, he and his wife took their son to a petting zoo for a day out. While there, Johnny was infected with a bacteria that eventually became a systemic infection. He became septic and spent weeks in ICU until he died on the 2nd.

The funeral was standing room only. When the pall bearers carried him out of the sanctuary to the cemetery, his son held the front handle and helped. He had asked him mom if he could "help the men to take his Daddy outside".

Johnny's wife is 32. She's a widow with a 6 year old. His parents have lost their youngest son. His son has lost a father that he will probably not remember.

I feel like I've been to entirely too many funerals lately. Is this what becoming an adult is going to be? Attending funerals or wakes? I've started to recognize cemetery names and know people buried in them.

I left work feeling like I didn't do everything I wanted to do for my patients. There is never enough time. There are too many patients and not enough of me.

My sister-in-law just left about an hour ago. I had no sage words of wisdom for her. Her pain is palpable. There's nothing I can do to assuage it.

I just feel like this week has been about nothing but loss and feeling helpless.