Heaven and hell...

Last week when my dad called to see if I'd go to his friends funeral with him we had an interesting conversation.

Dad: IF there is a heaven, I'm sure I'm going.
Me: Really?
Dad: yeah, because I've never hurt anyone. Ever.
Me: silence
Dad: In my whole life I've never hurt anyone.
Me: Really?
Dad: Except maybe your mom, during the divorce. But that ended up for the best.
Me:uh huh
Dad: I've actually helped a lot of people and done a lot of good.
Me: well, I don't think you get into heaven by doing good deeds.
Dad: well if that's not the way, then I don't know how.

I have always known that my father is narcissistic. He once told me that "all this mess about needing a savior is a load of crap. And besides, I've never sinned". Mike laughingly suggested to me that perhaps Dad had never heard of the ten commandments.

He honestly believes that he has never hurt anyone. He was so earnest when he told me that mess. I sometimes wonder if he isn't a little sociopathic.

He and my mother divorced when I was around 9 after mom refused to stay married and for him to have a mistress. I realize that some couples are able to have open relationships. My mom isn't one of those folks. He emotionally abused her for years and the affair was the final straw. I have never wanted my parents to be back together. They were toxic on a good day.

His version of events is much different. My mother was jealous and shrewish. She wasn't as smart as he was and so they are incompatible. She drove him to the affair.

I have rarely doubted that my dad loves me. I have often doubted that I was important to him. Missed recitals, missed ballgames, missed visitations, missed school programs. The list is boring.

When I was 15 and attempted suicide, I overheard my mom on the phone telling him that he had to come to the hospital. My mom had to make him come to see me.

When I was 19, I called to tell him that I was pregnant. His only question was "when are you getting married".

When I was 7 he beat me with a belt for not getting him a fresh beer and telling him I thought he was drunk. I had buckle marks on the back of my legs for over a week.

I'm really glad he's never hurt anyone.