You are what you eat...

and I am a PIG! We had the pig roast at Mike's sister's yesterday. I blew my diet, but oh my did I have a good time doing it.

Appetizers included: Cream cheese with raspberry-chipotle sauce, ginger snaps with strawberry cream cheese.

The main event: Much pork was consumed. My brother in law makes excellent baked beans, we had a ton of potato salad. Hershey Kiss pie, coconut pie, cake. And bread.

I am foundered.

It's Saturday, so why am I up so early...

I have been up since 7 am. What. The. Hell? I have already cooked breakfast (bacon,eggs and toast thank you very much), washed one load of clothes, vacuumed and made a Hershey Kiss pie for petes sakes! God I hope this doesn't become a trend.

I've been a little out of sorts this week. Mike went to Dallas Monday and didn't get home until Wednesday. I don't sleep worth a damn when he's gone. Part of the problem could be the 5' 5" 15 year old that sleeps with me when he's gone.

However, I have to give myself a pat on the back. I cleaned out my bedroom and closet while he was gone. I am embarrassed to admit that I took 6 bags of clothes and a box of shoes to a local clothes closet. And I still have a closet full of clothes. It's ridiculous. My resolution is no new clothes for quite awhile. Or shoes. I had shoes I haven't even worn yet!

My mom got me a new comforter for Christmas and I plan on painting next week. Fingers crossed. We've been in our house for over 6 years and I still have the ugliest wallpaper in my bedroom and bathroom. It's a weird paisley and striped affair. In lovely hues of black, white, mauve (yes, MAUVE) and that 80's blue color. I think it was called smoke blue. It's pretty bad.
I truly hope by this time next week it's GONE!

I have a day of super yumminess planned. We're going to Mike's sister's house for a pig roast this afternoon.(the reason for the pie making) Yep, I knew there was a reason I liked living in the sticks. I will probably be stuffed by 8:30 tonight. At least that's the goal.

Blogging for Choice...

Roe V. Wade is 33 today.

I am 35. I have never known a time when I didn't have the right to choose what happens to my body. It's a reality that I never thought about. It never occurred to me as a teenager that I would ever NOT have that choice.

I was 18 and a freshman in college when I found out I was pregnant. I sat on the bed in my dorm room trying to rub the pink off the end of my EPT stick.

I had never wanted children. I had never wanted to get married. I was reasonably sure I would be horrible at both of them. So I sat and tried to remove the hot pink proof that I had screwed up. My life, Mike's life, my parents' life, Mike's parents' life and some nameless faceless baby's life.

I called Mike and told him the news and called my family doctor and made an appointment the next day to verify the results. I told the receptionist that I thought I had a urinary tract infection.

The next afternoon I sat in the exam room and cried with Dr. Mauterer who has known me since I was a baby. I went home to tell my mom and step-dad. Mike was on his way home at the same time to tell his parents. There has never been a time in my life that I was more ashamed. I had let everyone down, including myself, and I knew it.

Mike's grew up in a family that went to church twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday and when the opportunity arose they went in between. They are southern Baptists.

Mike and I were the subject of a tremendous amount of gossip. Both of our families are well thought of in their communities and the grape vine was on fire. Mike was a "good" boy. The whispers were difficult at times. When you walk into a room and conversation stops it's not a great feeling.

The whisperers are the very people who will stand on a soapbox and proclaim that they are Pro-life. These are the people who would snicker at me in the grocery store. The people who made comments intended to wound to my mother and mother-in-law in saccharine voices.

I was fortunate to have a family that loved and supported me throughout my pregnancy. Mike's family showed us the same love and support. We were very lucky. We had a great support system to fall back on. Not every women is that fortunate.

I know the fear that an unplanned pregnancy creates. I know what it feels like to know that you have forever altered the course of your life and your family's. I know what it feels like to lie in bed and cry because you are suffocated by the events in your life. I don't know what it's like to feel that and not know that I can change it. I don't know what it's like to be powerless in that situation thanks to Roe v. Wade.

I did not have an abortion. I had Lullah. A choice I have honestly questioned. Did I do the right thing? Should I have given her up for adoption? Should I have had her at all? I have so many failures on my Mommy report card. But the truth is this. I would die for her. I cannot imagine my life without her. I cannot fathom a world without her in it. So I think I did the right thing. My life is different than I planned, but I'm very happy in it.

I made the choice to continue my pregnancy and keep her. Against some people's advice. There was my ob-gyn who wanted me to give her up for adoption. My friends who said I would be ruining my life. The voice in my head that said I would be a wretched parent. But I made that choice. There was no one but me who had any right to make it. I am still terrified by the decision I made. I am sometimes still sure that I have screwed up everyone's life. That burden is mine. Just like the burden of pregnancy was mine and mine alone.

I'm now the mother of a teenage daughter. Should the time come and she face an unplanned pregnancy I pray that she doesn't face a world without options. I pray that she never knows the terror of having no control over her own health care. I'm not so sure about the certainty of that anymore.

Well, I thought it was today...

I left today headed to the yearly gyno appointment. An hour away. I was going in to eat lunch before the appointment and called home and checked the voice mail. I had 1 new message.

This is Robin, from Dr. Gyno's office calling to remind Kim that we have her scheduled for a 1:30 appointment Monday.

IT'S MONDAY!!!!!! AAAAAAGH! I drove an hour to go to an appointment I don't even want to keep that isn't for 3 days. One day shot to hell.

On the upside, I bought my camera. (my first digital, I'm driving Mike and Lullah nuts).

Take the damn thing already...

I got a digital camera today with my birthday money and was playing with it.

This is Cookie, our only female cat.

She was a pretty much over the picture taking by this point.

Mike's brother went to a lawyer yesterday and began the process for getting a divorce. They will file and serve my sister-in-law the papers Friday. It's so sad to think of a marriage ending. Even more so when it's someone you love. They have a Covenant Marriage so it will be year before the divorce is final.

My heart just breaks for her. I don't think she's going to take this very well at all. At the same time, Mike's brother has been so mistreated, for so long that I'm almost relieved for him. She has been abusive (mostly verbally) the entire time they've been married. It had escalated in the last year or so. He'd been begging her to go to counseling with him for almost a year and she refused. One of the saddest parts is she's extremely insecure and she pushed him into the very thing she was afraid of.

It's just sad all around.

Sleep...

will I ever actually get enough sleep? It's 1:30 am, I've been up since 6am. I'm not sleepy! I'm tired, but there is no way I could actually go to sleep. Do you know how much that sucks? If anyone has suggestions I am open for anything. HELP!

Where are you Christmas?

In boxes in my dining room. That's where. But, I'm looking on the bright side. At least it's in boxes. After all the stuff that happened this weekend with Mike's brother, I haven't had time to put everything in the attic. But the goal is to have it all up and away by the weekend.

On the lighter side of life. After a disheartening weekend, we got a major laugh. Lullah and her boyfriend got stuck coming home Sunday. They were turning around on a road(gravel) and the BF's truck couldn't get traction to finish the turn. She had to call Mike to come and pull them out. She was mortified. We have, of course, been making parking references and teasing her mercilessly. The BF was embarrassed too. The best part, was my Mom and step-Dad were on their way over for supper. So they knew about it too. We're a heartless bunch. I figure we'll get at least 2-3 months of teasing out of this.

I had planned on trying to get in 2 work shifts this week, but it ain't looking promising. Dance tomorrow night (an hour away). Thursday, orthodontist appointment since Lullah's bottom retainer has detached and is flopping around in her mouth. Friday, Lullah dances at the ballgame. Saturday, girl scout cookie training and my cousin's baby shower. Sunday, fall out in the floor. I don't know how people that work full time do it all. I am amazed and humbled. Truly.

Mike and I are jet setters in case y'all didn't realize it. We've planned our lives around TV viewing this week. Yesterday, today and tomorrow PBS is airing "Country Boys". It's a documentary about two teenage boys in rural Kentucky. David Sutherland is the director. He's also the director of the HBO documentary "The Farmer's Wife" which we loved. Mike's going to tape the final episode for me since I won't be home. "Country Boys" has been heartbreaking and inspiring and sad and just really good. It definitely makes me see the blessings my life has been filled with.

Heaven and hell...

Last week when my dad called to see if I'd go to his friends funeral with him we had an interesting conversation.

Dad: IF there is a heaven, I'm sure I'm going.
Me: Really?
Dad: yeah, because I've never hurt anyone. Ever.
Me: silence
Dad: In my whole life I've never hurt anyone.
Me: Really?
Dad: Except maybe your mom, during the divorce. But that ended up for the best.
Me:uh huh
Dad: I've actually helped a lot of people and done a lot of good.
Me: well, I don't think you get into heaven by doing good deeds.
Dad: well if that's not the way, then I don't know how.

I have always known that my father is narcissistic. He once told me that "all this mess about needing a savior is a load of crap. And besides, I've never sinned". Mike laughingly suggested to me that perhaps Dad had never heard of the ten commandments.

He honestly believes that he has never hurt anyone. He was so earnest when he told me that mess. I sometimes wonder if he isn't a little sociopathic.

He and my mother divorced when I was around 9 after mom refused to stay married and for him to have a mistress. I realize that some couples are able to have open relationships. My mom isn't one of those folks. He emotionally abused her for years and the affair was the final straw. I have never wanted my parents to be back together. They were toxic on a good day.

His version of events is much different. My mother was jealous and shrewish. She wasn't as smart as he was and so they are incompatible. She drove him to the affair.

I have rarely doubted that my dad loves me. I have often doubted that I was important to him. Missed recitals, missed ballgames, missed visitations, missed school programs. The list is boring.

When I was 15 and attempted suicide, I overheard my mom on the phone telling him that he had to come to the hospital. My mom had to make him come to see me.

When I was 19, I called to tell him that I was pregnant. His only question was "when are you getting married".

When I was 7 he beat me with a belt for not getting him a fresh beer and telling him I thought he was drunk. I had buckle marks on the back of my legs for over a week.

I'm really glad he's never hurt anyone.

A week I'm glad is over...

This week has not been one I'd care to repeat.

For one, Lullah went back to school which always sucks. I've attended two funerals. I went back to work last night (blech). And while I was at work, I called home and my brother-in-law left his wife. I'm not going to share the details of that. I'm just hoping they work things out.

I guess I'll talk about the funerals.

The first was on Wednesday for a man I didn't even know. My father and he were pool shooting and beer drinking buddies of the highest order. Dad was pretty upset by the man's sudden death so he asked me to attend the funeral with him. The deceased was a member of the local Indian tribe. He was a single man with no children, but had numerous nieces that had taken care of him through the years. They served as pall bearers. Dad said that the man had always said a "woman brought me into the world, women can take me out of it". So they did. It was actually touching to see. Parts of the funeral were in his tribe's language. It was beautiful to hear. As one of the songs played was ending, a giant hawk screeched and came gliding from over the treetops. It banked over the pavilion and flew away.

The second funeral was Thursday. Johnny was 41. We'd known each other since I was in 5th grade and we moved into his town. He was a little older than me, but our Mom's are good friends and we knew each other through them. His wife also taught at Lullah's school and was friends with some people I'd went to high school with.

Johnny's first kidney transplant was at age 16. He'd done well with it until about 2 years ago and had to start dialysis at that time. About a year ago he had another transplant and had been doing very well.

He was the kind of person who was always happy. He never complained. He spent 3 days a week hooked up to a dialysis machine, had been through multiple surgeries and yet when you'd ask him how he was doing his answer was always the same. "Pretty good, can't complain."

At the end of October, he and his wife took their son to a petting zoo for a day out. While there, Johnny was infected with a bacteria that eventually became a systemic infection. He became septic and spent weeks in ICU until he died on the 2nd.

The funeral was standing room only. When the pall bearers carried him out of the sanctuary to the cemetery, his son held the front handle and helped. He had asked him mom if he could "help the men to take his Daddy outside".

Johnny's wife is 32. She's a widow with a 6 year old. His parents have lost their youngest son. His son has lost a father that he will probably not remember.

I feel like I've been to entirely too many funerals lately. Is this what becoming an adult is going to be? Attending funerals or wakes? I've started to recognize cemetery names and know people buried in them.

I left work feeling like I didn't do everything I wanted to do for my patients. There is never enough time. There are too many patients and not enough of me.

My sister-in-law just left about an hour ago. I had no sage words of wisdom for her. Her pain is palpable. There's nothing I can do to assuage it.

I just feel like this week has been about nothing but loss and feeling helpless.

Fear Friday

My fear this week is that I'll screw up at work and accidentally kill someone.

Christmas pictures...

I know Christmas has come and gone, but I thought I'd share my Christmas trees with y'all since I finally got my Christmas pictures developed. I'm a procrastinator.

My camera died at Mom's or I'd have a picture of hers too. We used Lullah's disposable one and it's not done yet.

This is the living room tree.

This is Lullah's Barbie tree. She decorates is herself with Barbie stuff.

Santa started bringing her a Barbie ornament for Christmas when she was about 3. We're going to have to upgrade to a bigger tree soon.

These are the three pencil trees that I put special ornaments on. They are my favorite.

And this is Mike and popsicle helping decorate.

A friend sent these pics to me...

it's an albino deer from Florida. The couple that found him orphaned turned him in to the Wildlife and Fisheries folks. But I thought he(she?) was mighty cute.

I wonder why...

I can't shake this blech feeling. Maybe it's post holiday stress. I spent way too much money (that I didn't have to spend), I ate way too many calories (that I didn't need to consume), I'm irritated that school starts back in the morning. I'm just blech.

We actually had a very good holiday. Even Christmas with my Dad was ok. I'm usually a mess when I have to spend extended amounts of time with him, but suprisingly we had a great holiday visit. My uncle (by marriage) was extremely drunk and inappropriate at times, but even that didn't spoil the evening. I'm always nervous at my Dad's. You never know how the evening is going to turn out.

Mike's cousin and her three boys left this evening heading back to Texas. They are 16, 12 and 6. The 16 year old stayed with us Friday and Saturday night. He and Lullah treat one another more like siblings than cousins. They enjoyed getting to hang out. Oh, and Lullah has a new boyfriend (as of Saturday). We actually like him, he's not bad (for a 15 year old boy).

I plan to start dieting tomorrow. I have to shed a few pounds. I am starting to feel icky. And I wonder if the extra weight isn't part of the blech. About 90% of the time I'm pretty ok with how I look, but that other 10% is a bitch. Those are the days that I wish the damn mirrors would explode. I hate those days.

Here's to Slimfast and Curves y'all.