I'm at a loss. I was prepared for raising a teenager to include varying degrees of sarcasm, rebellion, barfing in the tomato bushes and just generally being treated like an idiot savant. I wasn't prepared for the real heartbreak.
Lullah's best friend is one of the funniest kids I know. She can inevitably make you laugh. I should add, a talent held in very high regard in our household. She can also be one of the meanest kids you'd ever want to be around. Almost to a sociopathic level. When they were little she would do things just to be mean. She once hid one shoe of every pair of Barbie shoes that Lullah had, in her borderline OCD manner, lined neatly in her Barbie supplies. When I confronted her she said she did it because she " felt like it and I knew she'd freak out". This is also the friend that this summer slept with Lullah's ex-boyfriend(she was 14 at the time) and then while we were on vacation stole Lullah's boyfriend. Try explaining to an overwraught teenager that she will eventually be ok. (not an easy task) They didn't speak for almost 4 months except when absolutely necessary. Lullah was miserable. She cried herself to sleep 3-4 nights a week during this period. The girl finally came to her and made a heartfelt apology. The sun shone, the wind blew, the angels sang and Lullah's world righted.
Some background on the friend. Her family life is a little skewed. There have been a number of major health issues with her parents in the 6 years. Her mom was in a coma, her dad was diagnosed with a major degenerative disease. I suspect there are financial issues as well. Prior to their fight this summer we had to go get the friend because her older sister was threatening suicide (apparently not the first time). I also suspect that the girl has an eating disorder, bullimia, I think. A few weeks ago, the friend called our house hysterical. Her mother and sister had gotten into an argument and the mom told them she was going to kill herself and promptly left the house. She was gone almost half a day, until the sheriff's office finally contacted her and threatened to hospitalize her if she didn't go home. She has also since then told the dad that she will eventually leave and they won't be able to find her. My point is, this girl's life is a mess. Her behavior is not completely a suprise. Our house has been a haven for her. She spent more time here than at home until very recently. We're the stable part of her life.
Today the friend called Lullah and told her that she'd had sex with her new boyfriend and then later that night one of their other friend's boyfriend had tried to "get" with her, but she'd rebuffed him. Turns out that was a half truth. She didn't actually rebuff the second boy. Lullah is pretty upset. Her exact words were "I can't be her friend, she's a slut and a liar".
The mom in my head screamed "yeeeees". The freaked out depressed suicidal teenager in my head said "that poor girl is crazy just like you were".
I don't want Lullah around this girl, period. She has broken my child's heart and trust. I've had to hold Lullah too many nights while she sobbed over a lost friendship because of this girl. I don't like her anymore. I don't want her in my house. I don't want her in my car. I don't want her in my yard. I don't want her in my daughter's life.
But, my heart breaks for the girl at the same time. She is spinning out of control and her family is standing by and letting it happen. I remember the spin. I understand why she's going so nutso.
I feel like I may be being heartless, but I've made the decision that we've done what we can for this poor girl. I have to make sure that Lullah is ok. And she is not ok right now. I can't tell Lullah that she can't hang out with this girl. That's a recipe for disaster. But, I can make sure that I will be too busy to carpool the other girl around town. I can also make sure that Lullah has alternate plans that don't include the other girl.
Am I a horrible human being? Am I as evil as I feel?
I just want her out our lives. I want the toxicity gone. I want Lullah to have friends that support her, that are honest and have some scruples. I didn't realize that was going to be a tall order to fill.
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4 comments:
I can understand perfectly how you feel about this "friend" of Lullah's. My Mom would've wanted the same thing if I'd had a friend that kept hurting me that way.
Lullah is the one you are responsible for, the one who you are supposed to protect. That is what you are doing.
As for the friend, I'm sorry her life is going like it is, that she is spinning out of control. Maybe you could suggest she talk to somebody and get some help. But ultimately she is not your responsibility.
Lullah will decide on her own eventually not to have anything to do with this girl. I had to do the same thing with one of my friends who kept hurting me over and over. I wish her wisdom, strength, and luck.
Oyyoyo! I feel that this girl is jealous of Lullah. Sleeping with boyfriends at 14 and continuing to 'steal' boyfriends makes me think she really wants attention and to be loved. Unfortunately, the 'stealing' of things seems to go way back. I am sorry for the friend. Unfortunately, her actions are labelling her as a slut because what she is looking for is attention and affection but in the wrong manner. Your first responsibility is to keep Lullah safe and protected. If you want to go a step further, maybe as the her parents how the friend is doing. Although, this is a mite touchy. I guess maybe mention it to the friend that if she needs somebody to talk to...again this is a huge resposibility. First and foremost, keep Lullah safe.
I am totally with the two previous comments. I feel your pain and I have been known to keep my own child too busy to do things with other kids that I don't like. I know, she's only in 2nd grade but there are just those kids that even at this early stage are trouble. I say go for it, she's young, she should be busy anyway. :)
MamaK-I called the school social worker and prior to the latest drama, I spoke with the firend about going and seeing her. I hope she does it.
Aisha- I agree that she's seeking attention. It's really sad. I've been just letting Lullah talk it out when she's in the mood to. She's made the decision to severe the friendship as much as possible. It was difficult for me (control issues!) to not just step in and say that they couldn't be friends, so I'm glad she's made a decsion on her own.
Nique-Thankfully the drama occured prior to spring break so school was out and Lullah wasn't forced to be around the girl. We also made a trip to Alabama to visit friends in an effort to keep her away from Lullah. Iagree that busy it a good thing sometimes.
The roller coaster of teendom is a miserable ride at times.
Thank you all for commiserating and encouraging me.
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