The 21st night, September...

This is the second email I sent to friends over the weekend after the march.
Do you remember the 21st night September?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders,
while chasing the clouds away...

How many times have I danced in the kitchen with Claire to this song? It's become something of a theme song for us. It was, however especially poignant to think of the words Friday night.

Thursday, September 20 came and went. The buses rolled out of town, leaving a confused town in their wake. Friday night we sat in the football stands and watched our kids play ball. Black and white. The night after the march. The 21st night of September.

Love was changing the minds of pretenders...

Could it be possible that love could change the minds of the pretenders (Sharpton, Jackson)? Could love chase the clouds of hatred away?

I think of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and I weep for them. They seem to thrive on finding evil. Instead standing for the good things and making heroes of honorable young black men and women, they came here and vilified our town and bestowed heroism upon young men who do not deserve such accolades. Jackson, Sharpton and their ilk pretend to care for their fellow African Americans, I don't see that their actions follow their words.

The pretenders in the media came here expecting (possibly hoping for) a riot. What they got instead was a peaceful rally. The town of Jena opened it's streets for the marchers and were gracious hosts. The marchers came and protested and were gracious guests. The media pretends to want the truth, yet they report half-truths and twisted facts in hopes of what?

While chasing the clouds away...

The clouds of fear, the clouds of hate. Love for each other, love for our neighbor, love for the guy two blocks over. That's what will make the clouds go away.

On Thursday, we as a town took a step in the right direction. The media, the marchers and the world expected us to line the streets spewing evil at the marchers. They were wrong. We did just the opposite. I know people who opened their homes to marchers, I know people who opened their hearts to the marchers.

Love was changing the minds...

So, on the 21st night of September I sat in the bleachers at Ferriday and made a vow to myself. I will not let the pretenders change me. I will not let the pretenders change who I am. I will however, continue to try to let love rule my actions and my life.

Thoughts on Sept 20

I'm outing myself a bit here. I'm from Jena.

I wrote this as an email on September 19. Isent it to some friends who live out of state and thought I'd publish it here in case anyone still checks in on my blog. It's been pretty awful at times living here and knowing the truth. I've sat an watched news reports and couldn't believe the inaccuracies.

Thankfully the march came and went without incedent. The marchers were very gracious and nice, the people who live here were as well. It was nice to see that 15,000-20,000 people (more people than are in our entire parish) exercise their right to demonstrate. I take heart that it can be done without violence.

So for those of y'all still reading and checking in on me. Here's my email.


Thoughts on September 20
Tomorrow there will be more people in Jena than I ever thought possible.Weirdness and wonder.That's the two words that come to mind about tomorrow. I can't imagine what the day will bring, hence the wonder. I can't imagine that I sat on my floor and watched news anchor after news anchor talk about Jena, hence the weirdness.

I can't know what tomorrow will bring.

These are the things I DO know.
- The media has painted a rotten picture of us. I can't help but take it personally.
- I will never again wholly believe what I see on the evening news or read in the paper. Ever.
- I had to reassure my daughter that things will be ok tomorrow. I don't know for sure that they will be ok. I don't like feeling like I've lied to her.
- There ARE racists in this town. Thankfully, they are the minority.
- The boys accused of beating Justin Barker were NOT nice boys who made poor decisions that day. They are thugs. Ask their teachers. Ask their neighbors. Ask the elderly people in their neighborhood that they terrorized. Ask the judges who presided over their juvenile cases.
And lastly, I know:- We will never be the same after this is over.

My brother-in-law will be on duty downtown for the march. I'll be working at one of the hospitals in the parish. My co-workers will be manning ambulances at the courthouse tomorrow. I have friends who are law enforcement officers and will be on duty tomorrow. I'm worried.

I pray for a peaceful day. I pray for safety.

I also pray that the stupid redneck white people all get flat tires and have to stay home. I pray that the violent people all get horrific diarrhea and have to stay home. I pray that those with evil intentions get lost and end up right back where they started.

I also pray for the safety of those who are coming. Some genuinely believe that the Jena 6 have been wronged. They are misinformed, but their hearts are in the right place. Some of those coming truly care for their fellow man and want to make a difference. They don't know they've been lied to and misled. It should give us some glimmer of hope that people can care enough to attempt to make a difference.

I pray for the young men who committed this crime. They are the center of a storm. Hopefully at some point, they will admit their culpability in the creation of that storm. However in the mean time, I pray for them.

I pray for the Barkers. Tomorrow will be difficult for them I'd imagine. They have been much more stoic than I think I could have been. I pray for their continued strength.

It's been difficult to see my town portrayed as a haven of racism. It's been difficult to hear the misinformation and sometimes downright lies about Jena and the Jena 6.
I have to believe that when the day is done tomorrow, somewhere there will be a blessing. I can't believe that all this has been for nothing.

So, tonight and tomorrow, please keep us in your prayer and thoughts.
K

I've been such a sack of poo when it comes to blogging. I've been working trying to get the bills paid and when I finally get home I just crash. What time I have, I spend with Mike and Lullah (and the cats.)

Things are ok with Mike and I. There are times it's still weird. Last week was particularly bad. We weren't able to pay as much on the bills as usual. I had taken off to go to camp with Lullah and hadn't been able to work. It'll be a long time before he completely forgives me and I just wish it would happen yesterday. Sigh.

The summer has sucked. Lullah and I usually lay around in the pool and watch movies. We didn't even open the pool. It needs a new liner and Mike said we couldn't afford it, so it's just kinda out there looking sad and green.

I had been on contract with the hospital. I worked 12 hour shifts Wednesday and Thursday one week, then 12 hour shifts Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday the next. With the drive time (an hour either way) it ends up being pretty exhausting. Thankfully, we have really seen a dip in the bill total. Maybe when we get it all paid, I'll come clean with y'all too.

I'm just embarrassed and mad at myself about the whole thing.

Lullah's 16th birthday was last week and I've been feeling so guilty that we couldn't do her party and presents like had envisioned since she was born. Car with a bow, huge cake, new dresses- not an MTV episode worthy party- but something pretty cool. Instead-no car, small cake, just family at the party.

To all of y'all who drop in, even though I've been slacking, thanks for checking in on me. I'm trying to get my life back in order. It's slow going, but at least it's going!

One foot in the grave...

Mike's aunt died Friday. She was absolutely one the greatest women ever placed on this planet. If I am at any point in my life HALF the kind, gentle, wise, loving person that she was, then I will have accomplished more than I was capable of.

However...this post isn't about Aunt Barbara. It's about Lullah. And her innate inability to walk and chew gum at the same time. And her uncanny luck.

Back story... Lullah broke her leg TWICE her fourth grade year. The first time a spiral fracture of her tibia. Thankfully WITNESSED by multiple people and we were NOWHERE on the scene otherwise the child protection folks would have been on us within minutes of our hitting the ER doors. The second a small fracture on the lower end of the bone she sustained after she fell down...while walking. She's a bit clumsy, in case you were wondering. A wonderful dancer, but walking...well.

Y'all she fell into an open grave Sunday afternoon. Feet first. It was raining and suddenly her umbrella went South. How much therapy are we going to have to cover now?

There was another funeral after Aunt Barbara's and the funeral home had dug both graves and put a piece of plywood over the second grave to keep the rainwater out. Lullah and her cousin started to walk across it to get to Aunt Barbara's gravesite. Zach made it across. Lullah-swish.
She managed to catch herself so she didn't hit bottom. If she had she would surely have been injured. Thankfully, she's just bruised and a little scratched up. (her ego and her feet and legs)

She's had a great sense of humor about it. Thank goodness.

Oh, and y'all sister girl never lost her heels.

I had a revelation...

I absolutely hate my frigging yard.

It really wasn't a revelation, I've been aware of this fact since we bought the damn house six years ago. The first summer I trimmed hedges was my first clue that a professional landscaper was NOT involved in the planning. We hauled off 6 truckloads of limbs.

And that was only the back row of hedges.

If let go, my back yard turns into a jungle. Well, we sorta let it go last summer. I spent all day trimming hedges. I freaking hate hedges. I'm seriously thinking that concrete would be realllllly pretty.

On a happy note...

We restrung my clothes line yesterday. I have line dried sheets tonight. YES!

Tears...

I cried at work today.

My patient had dressing changes ordered every 4 hours. For me-10am, 2pm and 6 pm.

I had done this patient's dressing change for the third time in as many hours. As I was putting on the last piece of tape, the surgeon came in and said "oh good, I need to look at that". So, we took it off.

From 10 am until 6 pm I change said dressing 5 times. The last four times from 2:00 pm until 6:00pm. Let me add that it hurt the patient like hell every time I had to do it. AND she never bitched about it once. We've been doing dressing changes on her for 18 days and she never bitches about it EVER.

I cried at work today. Like a big ole tit.

In the midst of my afternoon around 5ish, Lullah called completely pissed off. She made Mastery instead of Advanced on the first part of the graduate exit exam. Honors day was Tuesday and for the first time ever, she didn't get a trophy for all A's. She got the A-B certificate. And she's still upset about her ACT scores from April, so I think this just put the candles on her cake. She is entirely too worried about her test scores. She's a sophomore for pete's sake.

Any advise to help prevent ulcers, hers AND mine, will be greatly appreciated.


*btw-in my opinion, she did very well on the ACT (especially for a sophomore).

Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning...

I heard that song on XM this morning in the car.

It's 11:50 pm right now.

My alarm is set for 4:30am. I have to work tomorrow 7a-7p and I'm WIDE awake.

Do you know how much tomorrow is going to blow?

As Irving put it...

Oh how I hate to get up in the morning.

Home again, home again...

the gates of hell stayed closed today apparently. Today did suck, but not as much as I was afraid it would. I got home about 20 minutes ago. I left the hospital at 8:15, later than I'd like, but not too horrible. I go back for more tomorrow. Yippee.

I got yelled at by a patient for not letting her leave the floor to go to the gift shop and "look around".

FYI Mrs. ______ ...the staff isn't supposed to let you leave the floor without a doctors written order. It ain't my fault. It's hospital policy. I'm not just being a bitch. Oh, and you're REALLY not supposed to leave the floor if you're on BLOOD THINNERS!!!! aaaargh.

And after you've yelled at me, crying like you're a five year old isn't going to change my mind.

Just an egg...

Mike's grandmother that passed away last Saturday was 98. She'd have been 99 in December. She outlived two husbands and two of her six children. She'd lived home alone until two years ago.

Picture a grandmother. What a stereotypical grandmother looks like. Cotton housedress, wire rimmed glasses, grey bun, a jar of peppermint sticks on top of the refrigerator (the yummy soft kind). Now you know what Mawmaw looked like.

The last summer she was still living home, Mike's parents went out of town. It somehow got left to us to go gather the eggs from her henhouse and close the coop door at night. I told her I thought it was sad to take the only thing the poor hen owned.

"It's just an egg," she said, "and really that's all any of us have. Just an egg."

Not quite sure what the wisdom was, but there ya go.

Just an egg, grasshopper.

Life 7a-7p...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The aftermath...

How do you regain someone's trust?

I had justified my lies by telling myself that Mike would leave if he knew the truth. The lie almost caused my marriage to crumble. I created the very thing that I was terrified would happen. I'm ashamed that I had so little faith in Mike.

He seriously considered divorcing me. The first weeks after the truth about the bills were horrible. But things have gotten better.

I have went back to work full time. Fate stepped in and the agency that I work for offered me a 13 week contract that guaranteed a minimum of 36 hours per week. I took it. We actually got money BACK this year from the IRS. For now, I bring home every receipt and we go over it. The first few weeks, Mike went on every shopping trip with me. Superfluous purchases are a thing of the past for now.

We sit and pay the bills together twice a month. Paying the bills was an act of torture for me before. I would have anxiety attacks after I finished. I felt like it was black and white proof that I was a terrible person.

Things are better. The debt is slowly disappearing. I actually feel semi-ok about myself again.

I don't know what the next few months will hold, but I do know that I am finally NOT a big fat liar anymore.

I'm a liar...

and now Mike knows it.

I came clean about the credit cards. He's so mad at me right now that he can't even look me in the eye. It's horrible.

He says he isn't sure he can stay married to me.

My world has fallen apart. And it's my fault.

I don't even have the words to express how I'm feeling right now. I flip flop between complete despair and overwhelming anxiety.

I want to just run away. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to be a liar. And yet, here I sit. In my lies.

I hate myself so much right now, I can't stand me. How can I expect him to ever forgive me? I'm not sure he ever will.

I pray, almost constantly, that somehow he will be able to.

Please pray for us too.

Blue.

To channel Holly GoLightly-I have got a case of the reds.

Blue doesn't cover it. I am morose and anti-social. I am terrifically unpleasant feeling lately.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm aggravated. I'm just in an all around shitty mood.

And I don't see the clouds lifting in the very near future.

Damn.

Oh the drama...

I'm at a loss. I was prepared for raising a teenager to include varying degrees of sarcasm, rebellion, barfing in the tomato bushes and just generally being treated like an idiot savant. I wasn't prepared for the real heartbreak.

Lullah's best friend is one of the funniest kids I know. She can inevitably make you laugh. I should add, a talent held in very high regard in our household. She can also be one of the meanest kids you'd ever want to be around. Almost to a sociopathic level. When they were little she would do things just to be mean. She once hid one shoe of every pair of Barbie shoes that Lullah had, in her borderline OCD manner, lined neatly in her Barbie supplies. When I confronted her she said she did it because she " felt like it and I knew she'd freak out". This is also the friend that this summer slept with Lullah's ex-boyfriend(she was 14 at the time) and then while we were on vacation stole Lullah's boyfriend. Try explaining to an overwraught teenager that she will eventually be ok. (not an easy task) They didn't speak for almost 4 months except when absolutely necessary. Lullah was miserable. She cried herself to sleep 3-4 nights a week during this period. The girl finally came to her and made a heartfelt apology. The sun shone, the wind blew, the angels sang and Lullah's world righted.

Some background on the friend. Her family life is a little skewed. There have been a number of major health issues with her parents in the 6 years. Her mom was in a coma, her dad was diagnosed with a major degenerative disease. I suspect there are financial issues as well. Prior to their fight this summer we had to go get the friend because her older sister was threatening suicide (apparently not the first time). I also suspect that the girl has an eating disorder, bullimia, I think. A few weeks ago, the friend called our house hysterical. Her mother and sister had gotten into an argument and the mom told them she was going to kill herself and promptly left the house. She was gone almost half a day, until the sheriff's office finally contacted her and threatened to hospitalize her if she didn't go home. She has also since then told the dad that she will eventually leave and they won't be able to find her. My point is, this girl's life is a mess. Her behavior is not completely a suprise. Our house has been a haven for her. She spent more time here than at home until very recently. We're the stable part of her life.

Today the friend called Lullah and told her that she'd had sex with her new boyfriend and then later that night one of their other friend's boyfriend had tried to "get" with her, but she'd rebuffed him. Turns out that was a half truth. She didn't actually rebuff the second boy. Lullah is pretty upset. Her exact words were "I can't be her friend, she's a slut and a liar".

The mom in my head screamed "yeeeees". The freaked out depressed suicidal teenager in my head said "that poor girl is crazy just like you were".

I don't want Lullah around this girl, period. She has broken my child's heart and trust. I've had to hold Lullah too many nights while she sobbed over a lost friendship because of this girl. I don't like her anymore. I don't want her in my house. I don't want her in my car. I don't want her in my yard. I don't want her in my daughter's life.

But, my heart breaks for the girl at the same time. She is spinning out of control and her family is standing by and letting it happen. I remember the spin. I understand why she's going so nutso.

I feel like I may be being heartless, but I've made the decision that we've done what we can for this poor girl. I have to make sure that Lullah is ok. And she is not ok right now. I can't tell Lullah that she can't hang out with this girl. That's a recipe for disaster. But, I can make sure that I will be too busy to carpool the other girl around town. I can also make sure that Lullah has alternate plans that don't include the other girl.

Am I a horrible human being? Am I as evil as I feel?

I just want her out our lives. I want the toxicity gone. I want Lullah to have friends that support her, that are honest and have some scruples. I didn't realize that was going to be a tall order to fill.

A Diva Mom's reminder...

Redneck Diva's mom sent her a letter I thought I'd share with y'all. Her post prior to the letter will explain if you're confused.

If more of us remembered our worth, our Mom's wouldn't have to remind us. Thank goodness for Diva moms that do the reminding anyway!

Kristin:

I hope Rich Optometrist doesn’t read “blogs”. If he does I will have to start going to Lens Crafters. (ha)

I know just how you feel. It never fails that when you feel you look your worst, your run into people who “appear” to look their best. Most likely this morning neither person could even tell you what you had on last night.

You may wear New Balance shoes (do those come from Wal-Mart? My kids will NEVER wear that brand) (again ha) and not have on make-up, but YOU WERE THERE…………..that is what counts. Do you think Sam cares if you have on make-up? NO, because you are beautiful to him anywhere and at anytime because you are his mother and he loves you unconditionally.

Chances are even if you had been dressed to the hilt and had on your tiara, you would have probably still felt inferior. You know why? Because you allow people to make you feel that way. We are all equal in God’s eyes and are all basically the same inside. It is just that we all have different “shells” on the outside. My shell now comes with gray/white hair, but the old gal is still 18 on the inside. She may not be dressed for the prom today, but she still likes to dance.

Daughter of mine, never, I repeat, NEVER let other people make you feel inferior. You are a wonderful person and an absolutely terrific Mom and I know for a fact that Abby, Sam and Kady would not trade you for any beauty queen in this universe.

Because after all, you know how to make Goop out of cornstarch.

I love you.

Mom

Told y'all she rocked.

Alas, I am here...

Well, I'm quite sure you were all incredibly jealous of my romantic Valentine's dinner. Popsicle and I had a lovely time. Poor Mike had made an overnight trip to Dallas, so cheesy poofs with the cat it was.

I actually had dinner with Mike's parents and his grandmother. Glenn Dale fried catfish (yumminess) and I couldn't turn it down. My mom and I had been painting the bathroom, so I was NOT interested in cooking. Glenn Dale's catfish are always wonderful. Plus Mama Frenchie and her two best gal pals were going to be there and they are always a hoot to hang out with. Lord, if they ever start telling tales on one another! They did tell us some dirty jokes.

After 6 years the bathroom and bedroom are DONE! I feel like an enormous burden has been lifted. I cannot put into words how much I loathed that damn wallpaper. I love hanging out in my room now. It's like a cocoon. We still have some tweeking to do. A new towel rack and TP holder for the bath and a new light fixture for the bedroom and a slipcover for the blue beast. I hate the way recliners look, but I love the way the feel. Comfort wins.

I am now the proud owner of an extremely snotty nose. I have managed to fend off a cold the last week or so. Until last night. Around 11pm I started sneezing and I haven't stopped. I tried to play it off to sinuses and allergies. I don't think I can kid myself anymore. I feel like I ran into a wall. But, I made a trip to Wal-Mart after po-ke-no tonight and picked up 2 boxes of Puff's Plus Lotion so maybe my nose will survive. And some Nyquil liquicaps are in my very near future. Ah, blissful medicated sleep.

I washed clothes today and I will fold tomorrow. Not much of a to do list, but I bet I can get it done. I will probably have to vacuum too, Buttercup is shedding like crazy! The carpet flick isn't keeping up. I'll go broke buying replacement pads. Aside from the laundry and possible vacuuming, I plan on slugging it up tomorrow.

Bonding with my cat...

Me and popsicle are enjoying some Sam's Choice Cheese Puffs. I have to say, they are super yummy.

Just thought I'd share.

My Damned Seven...

NorthEndNique tagged me.

The rules are that you must list the seven songs you are most into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they aren't any good, but they must be songs you are really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they are listening to.

I'm not going to tag anyone, because as I've stated before...I suck. And, there are too many of y'all that I'd like to know y'alls answers to this particular meme. So, if ya ain't too busy let me know what y'all are jamming to.

Here goes:

1) September-(Earth, Wind and Fire) This has been a pretty constant song for quite awhile. It's Lullah and my special song. We dance around like complete idiots to it at least once a week. Usually more.

2)Looking at the World From the Bottom of a Well-(Mike Doughty)- first, it's a kickass song. Second, he's my cousin. Third, somedays I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.

3)California Love-(Tupac)- I just love this song. Period. Always have, always will.

4)Bullet with Butterfly Wings-(Smashing Pumpkins)-lately I've been a little down. This definitelyely a pissed-off-at-the-world-because-it-sucks-song

5)Bitchin Camero-(The Dead Milkmen)-this is a favorite from waaaay back. I heard it on XM the other day for the first time in forever and now I can't get it out of my head.

6)Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend-(Marilyn Monroe)-Lullah is doing a solo for recital to it and we've been listening to it

7)Boondocks-(Little Big Town)-I don't want to admit it, but I like it. Lullah watches CMT in the morning and the video is cute too.


I told y'all I had ADD. That's a crazy mix of genres. I've also been listening to the Biggie Smalls CD "Life After Death" a lot lately.

Before and after...

In case y'all thought I was kidding when I said I had butt ugly wallpaper in my bedroom I thought I'd share some before pictures with you. I have had this monstrosity since we bought our house 6 years ago. And my entire bathroom is covered in this mess as well. Except it has the ever so lovely paisley border all the way around the room. Yay.

I managed to strip the paper off and repaint last week. Hooray!

Tada the results are...

Lullah informed me that the paint was the color of poop. I told her it was a warm color.

She tactfully stated, "Yeah, well, poop is warm."

You probably noticed the odd shine. I accidentally got semi-gloss instead of satin finish. A friend was in the paint store with her baby and we were visiting. I have ADD, and ordered the wrong thing. I was about half way through the second wall and was wondering why the paint was taking so long to dry. It kept staying shiny. Duh. I'm going to live with it for awhile and see if I hate it. At any rate, it's WAAAAAY better than the paper. I'm getting a slip cover for the baby blue recliner.

If any of y'all have that paper and love it, I apologize. But I was concerned that it was so busy I would eventually start having seizures.

Next week, Mom and I are tackling the bathroom. Poop green. Might as well go with a theme.

I ain't dead...

well, yet anyway. I've been painting and (blech) working! However, I have missed posting. So here's a quick one.

MamaKBear tagged me! Here goes.


1. Four jobs I've had:
Sonic Car Hop
Sales Clerk in the linen department
DJ
Nurse
2. Four movies I can watch over and over:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
To Kill a Mockingbird
Some Like it Hot
Harvey
3. Four favorite books:
To Kill a Mockingbird (I wanted to be Atticus' kid SOOOOO bad)
Bridge to Teribithia (the first book that really impacted my life)
Olivia (made me blow soda out my nose)
Slaughter House Five (because, honestly, there were parts that
TOTALLY confused me)
4. Four places I've lived:
Colorado (I was 6 months old)
Mississippi
Alabama
Texas
5. Four TV Shows I love:
Gilmore Girls
Grey's Anatomy
Monk
CSI
6. Four Places I've Vacationed:
New York City (my favorite)
Disney World (2nd favorite)
Disney Land (last family vacation before my parents split)
San Antonio TX(I was maybe 7 and I STILL remember the Alamo
7. Four of My Favorite Foods:
Fried Pork Chops
Mike's Mom's french fries
My Mom's pecan pie
Mike's hamburgers
(I jokingly say that if Mike and I ever divorce, part of the settlement will include his hamburgers and his Mom's fries)
8. Four Sites I Visit Daily: Like I just go to four! (and like the Miss America pagent-in no particular order)
Mike Doughty
MamaKBear
Hillbilly Mansion
Angry Black Bitch
9. Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:
ASLEEP
NYC
Riding a rollercoaster with Lullah and Mike
At a spa
10. Four People I'm Tagging:
Noone this time. Y'all are safe. For now!